HORRATHON = THREE DAYS

I'm in a peppy mood at the moment, but for some reason I still just want to curl up in a ball and dream sweet dreams. I'm really starting to scare myself... about how I desire my dreams so much. I really wish sometimes I could just slip into them and never, ever return. I sometimes lay in bed for hours after I've woken up, praying for me to fall back into the dream I just came out of. If I could live in my dreams... oh, that would be so amazing. Almost all of my dreams are good ones; full of everything I desire... happiness, love, truth, time, beauty... just... everything. Unlike most others (at least I think) who desire fast cars and mansions and crap like that... yeah, that stuff would be nice, but it will never in a million years be more important to me than the other things. What can compare to natural beauty? Time? Truth? Happiness? And especially love? Nothing can. That's why I desire them the most, and that's why I dream about them. The worst thing about my days is waking up in the morning to realize what was just happening to me was really only a dream. It kills me.
I kind of dread going to sleep at night. Actually, I do. I'm afraid that I'll have to wake up again and realize all of it was fake... which is what happens every single time I fall into reality. Another disappointment, a couple more tears, a broken heart, fingernail marks, Held back screams. I don't know if anyone has this same problem, but if they do, then they know how hard it is. Just think of one thing you most desire or the most precious thing in your life... and imagine that being torn away from you without any notice. That's what happens to me almost every morning. Do you know how painful that is? I hate it so much and I'm so tired of it. I just want to be happy... truly happy, for once. Be happy with the things I have, who I am, what my life is like... just... happy.
"Happiness is when reality is better than any dream."
Yes, it's a nice quote, but I don't think it's all that true. I mean, come on, you could be the happiest person on Earth, and then you have a dream in which you have sex with your celebrity crush, and it was the most amazing sex you've ever had... I think that's going to be a little bit better than reality, even if you are madly in love with someone, ya know? Or, you could be flying to the place you most want to be with the love of your life at your side, wouldn't that be better than reality? That quote just isn't realistic, and it pisses me off because I used to think it was true. Which made me compare my dreams to my reality, and that's how I would decide if I was happy. Which doesn't work out at all. :sigh: I'm so screwed up in the head. I have no idea what to think anymore, or how to make myself feel better. I do try, I really do, to just feel happy, but it doesn't work. It's not that simple, no matter what anyone else says.

I hate how some people act as though it's easy to deal with and handle your emotions, because it's not, and it never will be. Emotions control us, not the other way around. Although, I hate it even more when people say, "My emotions made me do it!" No, you can't control your emotions, but you can take them out or deal with them in another way besides taking out a knife and stabbing someone with it. Gah.

Ya know, as much as I hate my childhood (I consider childhood the ages 3-12. Ages 13-19 is teenagehood, and ages 1-2 is forgethood), I miss it. Not really it itself, but the innocence and stupidity that we all have at one point when we're kids. Kids shouldn't have to deal with these kind of feelings yet. It's just not... right.

"The brain sees what the heart wants to feel."

HORRATHON = FOUR DAYS

I don't think I've ever wanted time to stand still as much as I do right now. Not for this moment, but for certain ones that I wish I could go back to.

Ugh, I absolutely hate this... not knowing why I get so depressed sometimes. Things are going great, and then all of a sudden I just get this huge to scream my lungs out and cry my eyes out. I'm starting to wonder if it's really depression I have, or something else, because shouldn't the medicine be fixing this so I don't get that way? It happens almost every day, and I don't know why. I really don't know what's wrong with me, and it just sucks having absolutely no idea what's going on inside your brain. I really wish I could understand myself better, but alas, I have never been able to, and I don't think I ever will. I wonder if anybody understands themselves... I'd like to think they don't so I don't feel so alone.

I want to know why life is so complicated... is there any reason for it? Why are we here? For all we don't know, we could really just have been an accident God made when trying to create something else. I don't like to think scientifically. It would be then end of me if I found out we are really only here because of the whole long big scientific thing. It makes sense, but I just have so much passion for everything, and if I found out that life was nothing passionate, that we were just produced out of one cell and evolved from that... I seriously think I would lose all hope of ever becoming happy. I can't live in a world full of knowledge and nothing else, and that's what I fear is starting to happen. Yes, knowledge is a beautiful thing, but so is passion. I find it even more beautiful than knowledge. If I had a handsome, young Bill Gates one arm, and then a passionate, old, regular-looking, poor man on the other... I seriously would choose the poor, old man in a millisecond That's just the way I work.

You know, I like myself until I start thinking about everything terrible I have done in my past... how horribly I treated people and the things I said and did. It was so inhumane of me, and that's when I realize how bad of a person I am. I know people are going to say, "That's who you were, not who you are now, and that's all that matters." But that's not all that matters. Who I was is still a part of me, and always will be. That's just the way things work. You can be reborn, but not entirely. You will always have a part of your old self no matter how hard you try to let them go. You can't just throw yourself away like that... it's not possible. Or at least that's what I think.
And what makes me feel even worse is that I don't actually regret what I did... I can't live with regret. I'm having a hard time living with only one regret, and if I added all the things I did in the past to that list, I would surely just die of hate and spite for myself.

I really do want to get better, I truly and full-heartedly do... I just don't know how. I've tried everything I can think of... therapy, medication, yoga, changing how I live, changing my life, and so much more... and nothing has seemed to work. I know one thing that keeps poping into my head, and that's to get a new therapist. All my therapist and I talk about is what's happening in my life and why I'm so anti-social. I don't really think there's a reason for it... I'm just shy and the majority of people I've met I've disliked and thought were assholes; so I just don't want to meet new people, because chances are I'll dislike them, too. But, anyway, what I think I should talk about is the stuff that I talk about in here... this is what the problem is, and this is what hurts me the most. The only thing is... every time I try to bring these feelings up, my current therapist wants to go back to the anti-socialness. I really do want and think I need a new therapist, but I'm afraid of hurting her feelings (I'm being serious) or something like that. I know it doesn't make that much sense, but that's seriously why I keep going to see her... because I don't want to hurt her feelings. How screwed up is that? And I don't even particularly like the woman.

Anyway, I think I'm done ranting about nothing today....